I am completely okay with raising a couple of losers. Good losers, that is.
Everything in my house – everything – is a competition. My four-year-old can turn any task into a win-lose scenario.
Who was the hungriest?
Who took the longest bath?
Who is the best hop on one foot-er?
Who is the most tired?
You get the idea. And while the toddler cannot yet articulate his competitive streak, I know it’s there. I can see it in his eyes. I can hear it in the wild shriek that escapes his little body when he manages to get a toy away from his brother.
I know this is the way the male species is wired. Humans, in general, have a bit of a competitive streak. Men may come by this completely naturally, but women are not immune.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a little healthy competition. When handled appropriately, competition drives us to do better, do more, try something we wouldn’t ordinarily try. In it’s place, the drive to win serves a purpose.
What bothers me is the idea that every kid should be good at every activity. I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid I never expected to win every game, be the best at every subject, be the strongest or fastest at every sport. That doesn’t mean I didn’t try. I did. With the exception of Girl Scouts, which I quit because I really hated that uniform and I am so not a camper, I stuck it out and tried to do my best at everything I attempted.
Swim meets? I kicked some butt. Soccer? I never made it past JV and probably didn’t even deserve to even be on the JV bench.
English classes? Rocked them. Upper level math? Not so much.
I grew early and was tall for my age. I owned Track and Field Day. Until the fifth grade. Around that time, some of the other girls had growth spurts, coupled with actual athletic ability, and I didn’t take home so many blue ribbons anymore.
The losses, the failures, the occasional disappointing grade? None of those things killed me. Look, I’m still here today, blathering on to my faithful readers. I have a good life. A life filled with triumphs and tragedies.
You know what did happen every time I lost, failed, or faced disappointment and tragedy? I learned a little something about myself. I figured out – am still figuring out – my talents, my passions, my dislikes (see: camping, running hurdles, and math). I also had a few good laughs, like the time I fell face first off of a ski lift. I am not a good skier. And now I know that for sure.
So why do we insist on kids sports leagues where nobody keeps score? Why do we work so hard to level the playing field at school? Why are we protecting our kids from real life?
What happens when the inevitable takes place and they lose? They bomb a test? They find out they’re not the best athlete or they have a learning disability or they just plain do not like an activity? How are they going to cope?
A lot of questions there. And not many answers, to be honest.
My goal is to raise a couple of losers. I want a couple of kids who are prepared to face the world, to win graciously, to lose gracefully. I want kids who approach every experience as just that: an experience.
When they discover something at which they excel, I will be their biggest supporter. I’ll do everything in my power to encourage them and help them achieve success.
Conversely, even though it goes against every mothering instinct I have, I do not want to protect them from hurt and disappointment. I want to be wise enough to recognize when I should let them fall on their faces. Even when it hurts or embarrasses me, too. Even when I want to run to the teacher and make excuses for the failed assignment, or beg the coach to play my kid.
So I’m putting a call out to the parents. I wonder, how do we do this? How do we stop the cycle of entitled kids and teach them that life isn’t all about sunshine, lollipops and blue ribbons?
Lapsed homemaker. Looking to hire a full-time housekeeper who will work for the sheer joy of a job well done and free coffee. Interested parties, DM please. 
Great post. I wrote something similar awhile back about trophies, and how we give them away to every kid now for doing nothing. Just participating is trophy-worthy, and I don’t like it one bit.
I think you’re right…the more we make everybody a “winner”, the more like a loser they become. Kids won’t be able to face things for themselves.
Of course, I say this after spending the day 2 Saturdays ago absolutely biting my nails and praying to God my kid broke his TKD board. I just wasn’t ready for his heartbreak, my heartbreak, and the life lesson he was going to have to earn.
fortunately, that lesson was put off for another day 🙂
@gigi, It’s true – we fight all of our instincts when we let them learn lessons for themselves. It’s so painful to watch!
Thankfully you did NOT have to go through that during this round of testing!
There must be something to the age because Kate wants to compete against Maddie and even dumb things like who get to wash their hands first will send her into hysterics if it’s Maddie and not her!
@liz, Ahhh. The hysterics. I have one that throws his entire self on the floor, flat out like he’s been hit by a truck. The other goes into a version of downward facing dog.
I’m joining your club.
and Amen, sister.
@Alexandra, Welcome to the club! 🙂
That is the BEST question and what a great post. If you figure it out let me know. My kids are not superstars, but deep down I wish they were. They compete with each other, but I assume that is normal sibling rivalry. Maybe not. I want them to excel…they want to sit and watch TV. So, maybe I am raising them to see that it is not all lollipops and roses?? Is that the answer?? Let them watch TV??
@Blogging Goddess, I’m all for a little TV now and then! 😉
I think what you say is true for most parents – we secretly (or for some, not so secretly) want them to excel. Finding the balance between parenting and pushing is not easy. I wish someone would just tell me how to accomplish this!
This sounds like my house!! Mine are 2 & 6 and there is already so much competition! Hmmm… You asked a big question. I am sure that I probably need to stay out of things more & let them work it out…to a degree. Parenting is really not easy! Glad to know we are walking similar paths. BTW, I left an award for you on my site today, if you want it. 🙂
BTW
@Kelley, Parenting is absolutely not for sissies.
Thanks so much for the award – my post will be up tomorrow! 🙂
This is why you are a great mother and my friend! Good looser are hard to find and parents who know it is good for their children to experience dissapointment are even harder. You go with your logical consequenses of life my friend!
If only all the parents I worked with understood this is actually helpful in life.
@Mary Morrison, Mary! I was so excited to see your name pop up in the comments!
Thanks for the kind and encouraging words. I was feeling kind of like a grinch after posting this, so knowing you agree makes me feel better.
Fabulous post. It is a fact of life and it’s okay to not always be number one. Having said that, it is heart wrenching to watch my kids occasionally not make the cut or not get the number one place. When that happens, we cry a little. we hug and kiss and remind them how wonderful they really are. And then, we make it all better with ice cream.
@joann mannix, I am dreading – DREADING – try outs, elections, dating, tests, college applications… On the one hand, it’s all so thrilling and on the other hand, I know there’s heartbreak ahead. I better stock my freezer with ice cream.
Want to know a secret? I ran for class president during my middle school years. I lost. I also tried out for the cheerleading squad. And lost again. Strangely enough, I was always grateful that I tried. That is something my parent’s taught me. I’m pretty sure they wanted to shout “No!” when I told them about my ideas, but they didn’t. They let me try and fail. I don’t know what I’ve become because of that…less competitive? I do know that failing didn’t ruin my life so it surely will not ruin my kids’.
I think I’ll help my kids along by calling them losers as often as possible. (Just kidding.)
@Amber, That made me laugh. I have this image of you, yelling “Loser!” to a little kid. So funny and so wrong. Ha.
I like what you say about your parents letting you go, even though they may have known it was going to be a hard road. That is our job as parents sometimes and while I don’t look forward to it, I know it’s important.
I’m right there with you as far as the competitive streak in our household. It’s hilarious but can sometimes end in tears on my 3 year old’s part. Big Brother always makes these “rules” so he comes out on top. Must be the age.
I agree with you on this post. Very true. Hard as it may be, all we can do is support and hopefully they will have fun in the journeys they take regardless of the outcome. Ugh. I’m not ready for it though 😉
@Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom), I’m not ready, either! Parenting toddlers and preschoolers is physically demanding, but I really like not having to deal with disappointment and broken hearts (at least nothing more than the broken heart over having to share a toy, or leave a play date, etc… that, I can handle!). It’s the big stuff I’m not ready for – at all.
You are soooo right. You never get to win them all right? My boys do the same thing too. Who can eat more pizza? Who got dressed fastest, yadda yadda yadda.
When they do lose, they’re crushed. When you figure it out, let me know…
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What’s For Dinner
http://www.mawhats4dinner.com
@Ma What’s For Dinner, I have a sneaking suspicion there is no answer to this issue. Don’t you hate that?! Seeing our kids crushed over a loss or failure is horrible, and yet it has to happen. If some wise person does come along with the answer, I’ll pass it along. 🙂
I think that the HOPE was by letting everyone “succeed” we will raise self-esteem and inclusivity.
But I think the better answer is to allow children to find their passions by realizing what they aren’t good at too.
And I think competition IS healthy (I was a competitive runner. I LIKE competing).
In the end, learning to be a gracious loser is the best life lesson I EVER learned.
@Alex@LateEnough, I wholeheartedly agree. I loved – still love – to compete. But I know better than to throw a tantrum or blame someone else when I lose. The temptation is always there, of course, even at my very mature age (ha). Now we have to pass those lessons on to our kids.
Ugh… there are hard life lessons ahead.
I wish my sons weren’t so competitive. I’ve noticed that it has gotten worse as they have gotten older. If you have any tips for halting competition, I’d love to hear them!
I’ve tried to point out that everyone succeeds sometimes and fails sometimes. But they aren’t listening. I guess it is something that they will need to learn for themselves.