This post is kind of cheating. I wrote this almost a year ago for another blog that never got off the ground. I wimped out and decided not to publicly release that particular blog. I only wrote a few posts before turning totally chicken and quitting. Recently, however, I had an experience that reminded me of the story below. It wasn’t the same thing, but close enough that instead of repeating myself, I decided to recycle myself. (Wouldn’t that be cool? Go in as tired, worn out Mommy and come out all shiny and new?)

I think a lot about friendship these days (I’ve mentioned this before in Wonder, Friend’s short life). I have some amazing, dear friends. Hallelujah! I’ve noticed, though, since becoming a parent, and then moving to a new city three and a half years ago, that making friends, building friendships and keeping those relationships alive is way harder than it used to be. Way harder. Way. I kind of suck at it.

One of my goals right now is to improve my friendship-building and friendship-keeping skills. So the first part of what follows will seem very random and appear to have nothing to do with anything friendship-related. Stick with me. This all took place almost a year ago, but like I said, the point of the story is still relevant to me and I still don’t have an answer. Perhaps you will have one for me! Old post – with minor edits – begins… now:

What is going on in my house right now, this very second, blows. I am frustrated and I feel sad for my baby. His older brother started preschool today (a big wahoo! for all of us), but a side effect is that the baby’s nap schedule was shot to you-know-where. We are still struggling with a schedule as it is. We’re in that weird transition phase from portable newborn to infant with some interest in the outside world. Getting him to nap these days is an art form.

Thanks to a very good book about sleep habits, we have some useful tricks for getting on track. The book recommends sleeping in the same place for naps and nighttime whenever possible, keeping the baby up for no more than two hours at a time before starting the soothing routine, and using motionless sleep (i.e., not sleeping in a car seat while schlepping an older brother to-and-from preschool).

Today we were all over the place. The baby napped in the car this morning, cried in bed mid-morning but never fell asleep, and then fought napping after we returned home this afternoon. I feel so badly that at this moment in my baby’s life, when I should be focused on helping him learn good sleep habits, I have to mess around with his schedule a bit. It’s so different the second time around. With my oldest we could make the world revolve around his sleep needs. I know there are people who would disagree with that tactic, and maybe we’ll discuss that some time. Not today. I’m getting to today’s point (there is one, I promise).

Juggling the baby’s schedule with the three-year-old’s schedule, meeting both of their needs, giving them both the love and attention they so deserve, and finding a little time for me (oh, it always come back to me, me, me! Ha.) has been hard. I have not gracefully become Mom of Two. Instead, it’s a seemingly never-ending series of mishaps and mistakes, tears and trials.

And here comes the friendship component. If you stuck it out this long, thanks for reading.

The other day, when I was lamenting all of this baby-preschooler schedule-juggling with a friend, expecting love and support, I got quite the opposite.

My friend told me that I need to fit the baby into my life, not vice versa. She said that “everyone” wonders if I’m still alive and they “all” think I need to get out more (never mind that I am out there – we are far from shut-ins – I’m just selective about where we go and when… see rambling sleep story, above).

I happen to disagree with her assessment. And I really don’t agree with the tone in which she shared her thoughts.

What did I say? Did I gently and lovingly explain that I adore this time in our family’s life? Did I talk about how I find that this is such a short season, so I completely relish the chance to wallow in it, for all its ups and downs, including my extreme lack of grace? Did I say that I don’t really mind missing some outings or events, because soon enough the baby will be a boy and then a man and I will have lots of time to focus on me, me, me?

Did I say anything at all?

No, actually, I didn’t. I just mumbled, uh-huh, and quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This is not an acquaintance. She’s a friend. Someone I considered a confidant. And now I’m a mess because I feel a little angry about the things she said to me. Specifically, I’m angry about the way she said those things, implying that I’m in the wrong. Implying that I am not parenting correctly. But I didn’t stick up for my choices at the time, and now I’m wondering about some things:

Is this a one-sided problem (meaning: is it my problem, not hers)? Do I just need to get a grip and move on?

What would you do?

NOTE – If you are one of my close friends and reading this post, chances are pretty darn good that I am NOT talking about you. The friend mentioned here will never be revealed (unless I decide to discuss this with her, and then only she will know).