If you’re seeing weird formatting below, as I am, I apologize. Something technical is going on here, and I don’t excel at technical. Will work on fixing this before the next post… Thanks!
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The other day was perfect. The children were in full-on adorable mode, and even I held myself together quite nicely. We laughed and played and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. And yes, I’m writing this here partly to have a permanent record of the fact that we all behaved for one entire day.
I’m also writing it because at the end of the day I didn’t think, “This day was a smashing success and I am so blessed!”
I ended the day thinking, “Oh, Lord, don’t let this day be our last one together.”
What? What is wrong with me and why did I go there?
When she spoke at Blissdom, Brene Brown told a fictional story about a family out for a drive at Christmas, having one of those picture-perfect family moments. I’m paraphrasing in the extreme here, but she painted a picture of peace and joy. Of near-Norman Rockwellian bliss.
As she spoke, I was thinking, “Oh, please don’t end this story by telling me a tractor trailer ran over their car, killing them all instantly.”
Turns out, I am a good student, because that is exactly what she knew I would think. No, the family didn’t die. They had a fantastic Christmas, visions of sugar plums and all. Ms. Brown’s point was that most of us do exactly what I did. We ruin all joy, refusing to revel in it, by assuming the worst.
We do it for a number of reasons, including my favorite – and the one at the top of my personal Crazyville list – we think if we imagine the worst, it won’t happen. Like we can control the world with our minds. My own self doesn’t listen to me half the time, making it absurd to think my mind has power over anything else on the planet.
In the process of dwelling on worst-case scenarios and imagining fiery crashes, we eliminate our joy. We effectively tell ourselves we don’t deserve to dwell in joy, because then something terrible is going to happen. And boy won’t we feel stupid when it happens. I was so happy, and now look, we’re all dead. If I had prepared for this death by walking through life like Eeyore, this never would have happened.
Bullshit.
Of course it’s bullshit. We deserve to experience every ounce of joy we can squeeze from our lives. And we should hold tight to it, because – as we’ve discussed – we have no control over where things are going.
I heard Brene Brown speak in January, and since then I’ve done a good job of holding it all together. I’ve worked hard to be present, to let my emotions do their thing. Happy, sad, excited, scared. I’ve felt it all and then some. I’m not sure how successful I’ve been, but I have worked at being more open, accessible. If that means it hurts sometimes when things don’t go how I hoped, that’s okay. At least I was there; at least I tried.
In the last few weeks, however, I feel a backslide. Maybe it’s kindergarten looming. Maybe it’s attempting to reclaim my professional self and try my hand at some new writing endeavors. Maybe I’m just nuts.
This morning I had a babysitter scheduled so I could steal away and work for a couple hours. Before I left, my two year old asked me to read I Love You Through and Through four times. And he said I yuv ewe, mommy, while clinging to my neck. The five year old wept when I left, begging to go with me so he could spend time with me.
Did I think, What beautiful, sweet children? Yes, I did. But I also thought, Oh, God, what do they know that I don’t? Are their sensitive, intuitive souls picking up on impending doom?
The insanity, it’s rampant. I can see the city limit sign from here and it says: Crazyville, Population: You, crazy lady! Get it together.
I know the answer is to consciously choose joy. To work at it. And to not accept anything less. But I’m really doing a terrible job with that right now.
I wonder…
:: How do you reign in the crazy when you feel yourself going there?
:: Any tried and true exercises for staying in the present and enjoying your life, rather than worrying it away? (Me, I know how well I do when I am prayerful, so why don’t I do that?)
Lapsed homemaker. Looking to hire a full-time housekeeper who will work for the sheer joy of a job well done and free coffee. Interested parties, DM please. 
Getting out of the house helps me. I usually just need a break to recharge and feel like I can take on the battles head on.
Did you copy and paste this into your post editor? Have you checked the HTML view? I bet you have some coding that needs to be removed to get the font back to normal.
I’m not one to give advice on this subject, because I’m definitely always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always. I try to block that stuff out, but I can’t. I guess I feel like if I expect the worst, most anything else will be wonderful in comparison.
Sorry, I stink at helping!
You are not the only resident of crazyville!! I have strange / morbid thoughts all the time. I am generally upbeat, but if my husband fails to call within an hour of his plane’s arrival time I panic, turn on CNN and start watching for plane crash info. And yes, when life is especially good, I get nervous. Almost fidgety. I just know something horrible will happen any minute. CRAZY! Prayer keeps me sane, though. Lots and lots of prayer!
Add me to your Crazyville Town! I definitely noticed an increase in my anxiety over the unknown once I became a mother. It was like I felt if I have my mommy senses out, I will catch and prevent anything bad from happening to my kids. The things I worry about sometimes are INSANE!
I also find myself looking at what could go wrong in a situation so that I will have a “plan” in my head on how to handle it!
It isn’t a good solution, but I found I can’t watch the news anymore since the only thing they talk about is extremely negative and depressing. I choose to believe that there are more good people in the world then bad.
Oh and I try to follow the advice I give to my children…the boogyman really isn’t out to get us.
I like Liz’s answer of getting out. For me, happiness comes with exercise. Or maybe it’s just the physical movement. Whatever. It clears out the crazy for an hour or two.
But yeah, happiness is so dang hard to accept! Especially when good behavior from children is so rare. 🙂
Oh wow. What a great post!
Now you really have me thinking (and dang. I like to be semi-unconscious most of the time).
At first, I was telling myself this isn’t me. That I’m a glass-half-full type who’s optimistic in the extreme (and not realistic at all. which isn’t a good thing, really).
And yes, this is true about me. For better or worse.
But then at night, when I can’t sleep, I let my mind fester on ridiculous fears for lack of anything REALLY awful happening in my life.
Maybe we are preparing ourselves; testing the depths of our minds to see how we’d react. Isn’t that why we watch sad movies or ride scary roller-coasters or do risky activities for the rush of it? To remind us we’re human? To soften the inevitable blow?
Or. Maybe we are just crazy.
Anyway, so glad I could help.
(ha! seriously I don’t have any good advice for you. I so wish I did because then I’d have good advice for me…)
Let me know what your saner readers say. Because I’ve got nothing.
embrace it, my darling.
Like I do every day.
It makes you unique.
ANd so very NON boring.
xo
I think everyone does this. But, lately, I try SO hard to not think about what “might” be.
Last year, my 6-year-old nephew was diagnosed with a large brain tumor. It was a GREAT summer. It was OUR summer! We had baby sitters lined up. We had scheduled “dates nights.” Our youngest child was 6 months and finally sleeping through the night. And then in late July, on a day we were supposed to meet up with my sister-in-law and nephew at the pool… the news of a completely unexpected thing like childhood cancer came into our lives.
But 1 year later – my nephew is recovering. And through this experience I’ve learned that it is not worth my time to ponder on what might happen now that everything is going smoothly again. And when I find myself starting to think in that direction I try REALLY HARD to think that I don’t have the time to think of what might be… only what is.
I know… way easier said then done. But it’s amazing – the more I make my self think this way, the better I am at it 🙂 Now I have other “crazy” things to ponder on… like my 8-going-on-18 year old daughter… wait I’m not gonnna go there! (Happy thoughts right?)
Clearly we were separated at birth! We must be twins because that very thought enters my mind everytime my kids cry when I leave. Is this the universe trying to tell me that there will be some cosmic plane crash that lands on my car? Or worse yet? The house while they’re home with the sitter?
I’m a total freak, but glad to know that you are too!!!!!
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What’s For Dinner?
Wow, I could’ve written this post. I feel like I’m constantly looking over my shoulder. If I’m too happy, something will fall eventually. My husband always tells me I never experience the joy and that I’m always looking for the bad side. The main thing I try and focus on is just that I can be happy without something really bad happening. Not always easy!
I’m sorry, I’m right there with you in Crazyville. I usually keep these thoughts to myself and let them flee just as soon as they entered…but they do. I think it’s inevitable. However, I do like your idea of choosing to live in the moment and basking in the joy.
I’m the worst actually. My husband will be basking in the joy of hiking with the kids…and I’m shouting “be careful” at every turn. Seriously, I need to lighten up. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂
Crazyille. Population: You and Me
I don’t have any words of wisdom other than to say that I so totally get this. I am queen of worrying away my joy. Why are we like this and how did we get this way? I’ll be coming back to see if any wiser readers have the answers for how we can move out of Crazyville.
Thanks, Missy.