I need to pick your brain. Not like a zombie or anything. More like a high school newspaper reporter who talks around her subject a lot before getting to the real questions.
This is not a rhetorical post. I want you to send me your thoughts. I’m mostly interested in what you have to say about this subject, but feel free to send me your thoughts on whatever happens to be on your mind. I’m here for you.
Let’s get to it.
Babysitters, nannies, au pairs. I’m weighing the pros and cons of hiring someone for the next year.
As it stands now, I have exactly three and a half guaranteed kid-free hours every week. That is, I have those hours if nobody is sick and they both go to school. I’m finding that even when I use my time well, there is not enough of it.
Starting next year, my oldest will be in real school all day (Sob. And yay! Talk about feeling schizophrenic.); and then in the 2011-2012 school year my youngest will be in preschool more mornings each week. So it’s mainly the next year or so that I’ll be short on kid-free time.
I want to back up for just a moment, though. I choose to be home with my boys. I say choose, not chose, because for me it’s an active, living, breathing decision that I am conscious of every day. I cherish this time in their young lives and I know I’m blessed to have this luxury.
I also know that my current situation is temporary, thanks to the aging process and whatnot, so I am not complaining. Please know that. I am not whining or poor-me-ing. I’m just trying to work out some stuff and I’m using you as my sounding board.
Because of my choice to stay home, we’re not exactly rolling in the disposable income over here. I carefully weigh my spending decisions, so hiring childcare will be a big leap for me.
Why, then, am I considering taking that leap? The short answer: writing time. A slightly wordier answer follows.
I don’t bring up my fiction here often (anymore), because in spite of the fact that I love to read what other writers have to say about their craft, I know that’s not everyone’s thing. I have mentioned it, though, so regular readers know there’s a book in the works. The slow, plodding works.
I’ve tried different times of day, different days of the week, and I can’t quite hit my stride. I have those voices in my head, the voices of successful writers, the voices of hopeful writers, and they are all saying: real writers write every day. Real writers can’t not write.
Mostly, I agree with the voices, and I feel adrift when I’m not writing. Mostly. Point of fact: there are days with no words. The nature of my life as a stay-at-home mom is such that my schedule does not always belong to me.
I’ve read the stories of people who wrote novels with kids sitting on their laps. We’ve all heard Stephanie Meyer talk about her experience with hammering out the Twilight books practically overnight, while holding 42 babies (give or take 40, 41 babies). Whether you like the series or not, it’s still impressive that she pulled it off.
And of course there’s JK Rowling, who was a financially-strapped, single parent. The Harry Potter series will forever hold a spot on my list of favorites. The books are not only enjoyable to read, they are staggeringly well plotted. The way she tied that series together, and the cast of characters she managed to bring to life, well, it’s nothing short of excellent.
When I think about these women I am humbled. And sad. I’m sad because I feel lazy and inadequate. I’m not fishing for a pep talk here; I’m just saying there are not enough hours for me.
I can’t figure out what to let go:
– Exercise?
– Family time?
– Housework? (As much as I’d love to say forget it, I cannot. It’s not my nature.)
– Social life?
– Spiritual life?
From where I sit, there’s nothing to let go.
I used to watch too much TV – I do love that brain-sucking screen – but I don’t watch much anymore. I used to waste time on the internet, but not anymore. There are those who would argue blogging and reading blogs is a waste of time, but that’s a fight I don’t recommend anyone pick with me. Besides, I’m pretty structured in the amount of time I spend in the blogging world.
On my youngest’s non-school days (reminder: six days each week are non-school days for him) when the kids cooperate and everything falls into place, at most I have about four quiet hours – from 5-7 a.m. and from about 2-4 p.m. – when I can do me stuff. You know, the stuff that’s nearly impossible to do with a child running around or hanging on your leg. Fiction writing, blog-related work, and Bible study all get crammed into those four hours. And like I said, that’s a perfect day.
By nighttime, I’m pretty mushy. There’s not a lot of brain power left, and so that’s not a great option for me as far as writing goes. Then there are sick days, crazy schedule days… well, if you’re a parent I don’t have to tell you how those days go.
And that’s why I’m considering hiring help.
I wonder…
:: Do you have childcare help and if so, what kind (nanny, regular babysitter, etc.)?
:: How often do you have childcare?
:: How do you structure that time?
:: Are you home when your childcare is there or do you leave?
:: Do you use that time to write, or run errands, or get a pedicure (oh, how badly do I need one of those right now)?
Lapsed homemaker. Looking to hire a full-time housekeeper who will work for the sheer joy of a job well done and free coffee. Interested parties, DM please. 
My toenails are trying to stab their way out of my shoes right now so I may not be the best person to ask.
But I say, do what it takes. Because I let the impressiveness that is J.K. Rowling stop my from even really trying any time I start. Because if I can’t be THAT good, why should I try at all, right?
So, if you’ve got the balls to do it, DO IT. Because you can and you should.
I am at home, though both girls are in school. but just 3 hours long, twice a week. and i can tell you i get less stuff on days when they are AT school than at home! not complaining. just that some women kept saying to me, “what are you going to do with all your free time?” when maddie unexpectedly started a mothers’ day out program this year. Um, a whole hour 15 minutes in between driving them/picking them up? i do the dishes, pick up toys and run an errand. whoopity do!
Missy,
I am only balancing one child so I can speak to that experience. When she isn’t in school, I take care of her at home. I try to use the time she in school to write, but sometimes that doesn’t work. I write well at night, so usually after I put her to sleep, I try to squeak out some words. I understand what you are talking about – other women have wrote their novels, etc with more constraints than me and I still can’t figure out why I can’t get disciplined to do it. I suspect it is fear, but that is another topic for another day.
As far as your dilemma is concerned, how about hiring a mom’s helper? I find that isn’t as expensive as a daycare or a babysitter and you may be able to write for a few hours. Another suggestion – One writer I know recommended that I wake up one hour earlier than when I usually do and use that hour to write. I don’t know if that is feasible for you, but it might be worth a shot.
Good luck!
This is what I have to say. Do. It. My girls are all teens, so I don’t have your problem, but I remember those days. And as someone who has just, kind of, completed writing my novel, (one little revision and I am done), I understand. You DO need stretches of uninterrupted time to get that creativity flowing. For me, it takes me a while every time I sit in front of that computer to find my groove. And it is impossible when you have other things occupying your mind, like squalling children or a dirty house.
If you don’t do it, you’ll end up with writing like Stephanie Meyer’s. Sorry. But it’s true. And I think the rule is, only every ten years does one badly written novel get to be a blockbuster seller. And I feel the same way about JK Rowling. Her writing reminds me of the fairy tales I read as a child, just lush in imaginative imagery and so well written.
I used to have a little home schooled teen who would come over twice a week for the day and help me out. Whatever you think it will take to get that writing locomotion going, is what you should aim for. Good luck.
Missy,
I am with all of your other loyal readers. Do It! If you have the resources, at.all.do.it!
I really pulled my hair out over the summer when both kids were home. It is tough to sit and write when you are supposed to sit and write.
Here’s an idea. You can hire me as your nanny 2 days a week. There, it’s a win-win, problem solved.
what a good post, Missy – hmmm… how to respond? You are so brave to open yourself up to all our mom advice. 🙂 I truly believe that there is no one right way to do it – to cobble together pieces that work for you, your kids, your family…I think that you should absolutely try out a sitter – giving yourself the freedom of knowing that you can always change your mind or reconfigure arrangements if its just not working out. For me it has been juggling and finding bits and pieces of time here and there. Tag-teaming with Paul, getting work and writing done at weird times, and being hugely blessed to have my aunt take care of my kids while I’m seeing students. I truly don’t know how my book got written – it seems miraculous- it was painful – but somehow it got done- but I think that writing fiction is an entirely different beast and would require much more solitude and quiet and time to get into a creative space mentally. That just doesn’t happen with kiddos around. Personally – I could not work with my kids in the house, even with a sitter. Waking up early seemed to be a recipe for disaster. Maybe try a sitter and have two dedicated chunks of time: mental health day(pedicure, staring into space) and writing day (having a specific goal helped me) and find a quiet-ish place away from home to write. I would sit with my headphones in listening to nothing while working at my laptop in a coffee shop. My tolerance for noise has greatly increased since becoming a mom – if no one is yelling “Mommy” or climbing on me, I just don’t hear it.
And no guilt allowed. What a better gift to give to your boys than to follow your dreams!! Can’t wait to hear how it goes.
Oh, I am so happy to read this post because I have been asking myself many of these questions lately. I am exceedingly fortunate in that I have a full-time nanny (she comes 4 days a week and babysits two nights). She is amazing and I do not know what I would do without her. Even with her help though, I find myself stretched and scrambling. It is STILL hard for me to cobble together those hours to write. I don’t know how this is possible other than that, despite her presence, I still do a ton with my kids. Often, I feel guilty about having her assistance, but my husband, sweet man, reminds me that writing is my JOB. Which it is. It is also my passion and without it, I would not be happy or a good mom. So. I cannot tell you what to do, particularly where finances are involved, but I can say that I so get your need for extra help so that you can do what you love to do and need to do. Best of luck in coming to the best decision for you and your family!
What perfect timing you have. I was having this exact same discussion with my husband today. My kiddo is almost ten months and I am starting to lose it just a tad. In an ideal world I would find a nanny type person one to two hours a day for maybe two to four days a week? Something like that. They would have to come to me and I would have to stay nearby…but maybe in a different room so I could write? blog? play solitaire?
Let us know what you decide!
Until recently we just hired a baby sitter to come over once a month so my husband and I could go on a date. But I finally talked him into hiring a baby sitter to come over every Thursday evening so I can go to a ladies bible study. We pay her $20 each week to watch my daughter for a mere two hours. It’s nice to count on someone consistently. Although, two hours every week probably isn’t enough time to write a book. 🙁 I really hope you can come up with something soon!
I work at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays. (Hi! It’s Tuesday and my son is napping and I should be working.) My sister in law comes over for about 3 hours in the afternoons to watch my son. We pay her. If the weather permits, she will take him to the park or out of the house for some activity. It is HEAVEN to have the house all to myself to work for those hours. It’s so worth it. And if they can’t leave the house, I lock myself in the office and she keeps him entertained and away from me. I will occasionally go run an errand, too. I like your idea of getting a pedicure, though. Hmm…
Wow, it is like you are in my head, as cheesy as that sounds. I have been stressing so much over this lately!!! I just can’t do it all. As you said, I have tried so many things and can not hit my stride. There are not enough hours!
I, like you need to have a pretty neat house with “chores” done. I like to have a neat house and cook dinner nightly. And I want to be with my kids when they are here and awake. I don’t want to look back and think I missed out on this precious time that will end sooner than I know, as you also mentioned.
But to also do my blog, the other little things I can’t get done while the kids are around (household stuff), and work from home (which I do part time/almost not at all right now) I can’t manage. An extra hand is not an option, but I have been looking at 2 year old programs so maybe my little guy can go 2 days a week. Unfortunately, he would go mornings, since he still naps about an hour or 2 in the afternoon and my older son goes to school in the afternoon. So that really won’t help with the time issue, but would give me more alone time with my older son.
It is hard. Very hard. And I know a mom who does NOTHING, no blog, no job, no hobbies, and she has a housecleaner, an aupair, landscapers, and both her kids are in school full time!!! How could I not compare and be jealous???