Summer vacation is a beautiful thing.

Except when it’s not.

Remember the 1980’s when Cabot Cove, Maine was the most dangerous place on earth? Unless Jessica Fletcher was visiting her Irish cousin, Emma MacGill, or teaching a writing class in New York City, that sleepy coastal village was hotbed of crime. Mayhem lurked behind every B&B.

In the new millennium there are places in the USA and abroad that make Cabot Cove look like, well, a sleepy coastal village. Before you hop on a plane or use the kids’ college fund to fill your gas tank, review your itinerary. I recommend a new destination if any of the following places are on your agenda…

Miami
I’m not saying don’t go to Miami, but you need to be aware of some things. First, if you’re staying in a high-end hotel where the pool deck is crawling in women with outrageous bodies, bodies clad in thousand-dollar bikinis and Manolos, you need to be on high alert. Michael Westen can’t be far away. He’s at the bar, not eating or drinking because he filled up on yogurt at home.

Next, if you peek over the top of your Kindle and notice there’s a dude wearing a custom-made business suit in the cabana across the way, and that dude is surrounded by a surprising number of hot women, you need to get up. Act casual, but get up, dammit. Say, “Oh, wow, that appletini went right through me!” but do not stop at the loo. Got it? Get far away, because here’s what’s about to go down:

Fiona will strut in, wearing four-inch wedges, a concealed weapon (where?) and little else. The dude in the suit will get what he deserves, and as Fiona walks away that cabana is going to blow up. Because Michael and his crew have C4 for every occasion. Don’t worry – only the bad guys will die. The crew is just that good.

The point? There’s an unusually high number of explosions in Miami. And nearly-vaporized-people-parts will totally ruin your cocktail. Just watch for warning signs, and you’ll be fine.

The Hamptons
I refuse to visit the Hamptons, no matter how chi-chi. Dr. Hank Lawson diagnoses the rarest – and most dangerous – diseases there. That rash? It’s flesh-eating and highly contagious. There is no simple dermatitis the Hamptons. Thanks to Hank Med, my hypochondria is at full tilt. Granted, Hank can fix you right up with an aloe plant, a paperclip and a car battery. But still, so much medical danger lurking on that island.

Who am I kidding? If you invite me to your Hamptons mansion, my bags will be packed before you finish reading this sentence. I will, however, have my WebMD iPhone app open at all times so that I can quickly cross-check my symptoms. This mild headache? Definitely a tumor.

Santa Barbara
Santa Barbara is an idyllic California town, with great shopping and beautiful scenery. Wrong-o. It’s so riddled with crime that Detectives Lassiter and O’Hara can’t solve their cases. To help with the caseload, SBPD relies on a (fake) psychic detective and a pharmaceutical salesman.

Shawn and Gus are, in fact, skilled crime-solvers. Or lucky. Either way, they get the job done. And I bet they’re a lot of fun to hang out with, but if you find yourself reaching for the same pineapple at the farmer’s market, do not engage. I don’t care how adorable they are; just put down the pineapple and walk away.

Everyone who crosses paths with these two ends up dead, in jail, or being chased by psycho killers. Talk about ruining your vacation. And here’s a picture of me, post-chase, in the back of an ambulance!

Anywhere Annie Walker Is
This one’s tough, because you never know where Annie is going to be. And I guess you’re not actually supposed to know who she is, what with the undercover business, but we know, don’t we? If you’re sitting at a sidewalk cafe in Paris and she walks by, it’s time to leave Paris. There’s about to be a foot chase, followed by a car chase, followed by gunfire.

This is not a case where you can make a hasty retreat to the bathroom. And you can’t seek solace in public places, either, particularly museums or sports arenas. There is no safety in numbers. You have to get far, far away. I don’t recommend making your escape in public transportation or a car. Annie has a knack for wreaking havoc on all manner of transport. So maybe you could figure out teleportation? I’m at a loss for good advice here.

This is a case where being really flexible with your travel plans will come in handy.

Now you’re ready for a fun-filled, mayhem-free vacation. Enjoy!

*Honest to goodness, this post is not sponsored or sanctioned in any way by USA Network. It’s merely a product of A) my decades-old, tired joke about not ever visiting Cabot Cove, Maine (People die there. A lot.); and B) my DVR.

Mark and I have very different tastes when it comes to TV and film. I generally like darker, story-driven work. He likes Pawn Stars. When Mark sits down to watch TV or a movie, he wants to walk away happy. I like to feel like I’ve been through the emotional wringer.

Oddly, though, we both like the above-mentioned shows. We DVR a potentially embarrassing number of USA shows; on the rare occasions we both sit down to watch TV at the same time, they are our go-tos. One night I looked at Mark and said, Add the Hamptons to my Cabot-Cove-No-Visit-List. Har, har. I was so entertained by, well, me, that I started listing all the places in the USA I can’t visit. The result? This post.

I hope you learned something in time for your summer vacation. If you’re looking for more practical advice (as if my life-saving tips above are not practical), I do have more vacation-related thoughts to share with you. You have to wait until August, though. I’ll remind you again, but just so you have something to look forward to {where’s the sarcasm button}, I’ll be over at Wheelchair Mommy in early August talking about the Trication. I promise it has nothing to do with triathlons. Or with fictional characters.