Today’s the day: the first in a series of guest posts here on Wonder, Friend! Today’s guest is the talented Genie in a Blog, my friend Leigh Ann. I’m so fortunate to know her in real life, and am thrilled to share her writing here today!
Let’s get right to it…
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The other day I was perusing the mother of all time sucks, Pinterest, and found what could be a life changing thing for me: a Daily Quick Cleaning Checklist that boasts that even I can get my entire house in order with only 30 minutes a day.
Sign me the freak up! I have a house. It’s not very neat, thanks to the three small children who make the messes and a good dose of laziness on my part. Surely I have 30 measly minutes in which I can complete this checklist, right?
Okay, let’s get started. The kids have just finished breakfast, so this is my prime time to get something done before they realize I’m not really there with them and start to self destruct.
Kitchen
Clear out and wipe down the sink, put dishes in dishwasher (5 minutes): Right! Thanks to my superior mothering skills, my kids have already brought their dishes to the sink. The husband has not. Lament extra seconds wasted in gathering his dishes. Get to loading dishwa–GAH! Kink in the plan! I run my dishwasher at night, and now I have to unload. Okay, deep breaths. This’ll only take about 5 extra minutes. A nice clean house in 35 minutes instead of 30 isn’t the end of the world. Sip coffee. Now stop talking to yourself and load load load! Oh, wait. Serious drama in the living room over a plastic frog. Must referee.
Wipe down countertops and stove (1 minutes): This one I can do. I knew lack of available counterspace would come in handy. Sip more coffee. Man, it’s good. Wiping, wiping…okay whose McQueen is this? Ooh look! A coupon for $.75 off mayonnaise! Where’s my coupon file…meh just put it back on the counter. Sip more coffee. Glance at the stove with it’s egg spatters and Cheerio crumbs and call it a lost cause. I don’t want to fall farther behind schedule!
Wipe problem spots on the floor (2 minutes): I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Exactly which problem spots are you giving me 2 minutes to wipe up? How do I choose? If this is an all or nothing game, I think I have to skip this one. Besides, I’m being summoned to the bathroom. May as well give up in here and get to work in there, right?
Bathroom
Wipe out the sink (30 seconds): You’d think this would be my sweet spot, what with all the time I spend in here waiting for various children to do their business so I can be their butt butler. Two minutes in and all I’ve done is pretended to be Holly to my kid’s McQueen…yes, while she was doing her business.
Leave bathroom to hand out post potty bananas because when did it get to be 10:30? (2 minutes): And yes I washed their hands.
Wipe the toilet seat and rim (15 seconds) and swoosh the toilet bowl with a brush (15 seconds): Yeah, that sounds gross. I’m going to save myself 30 seconds and leave that one for my knight in shining Clorox. I’ll just close the lid instead. Problem solved. *wipes hands together in satisfaction*
Squeegee the shower door (30 seconds): Ha! I don’t even have any shower doors! Man, I’m getting through this list like gangbust–OMG what is going on in there??? Do NOT step on your baby sister! Oh, you were “just kidding?” I’ll step on you and show you “just kidding!”
Stand in middle of house trying to remember what you were doing before your pesky children interrupted you (60 seconds): I’m really good at this one.
Bedroom
Make your bed (2 minutes): Easy peasy. I’m glad this part of the checklist doesn’t include “do something about all that laundry laying over your footboard.”
Do something about all that laundry laying over your footboard (4 minutes): Gah! They got me. Fold t-shirts reluctantly. Shoot dirty looks at overflowing laundry basket in corner. Laundry basket does not respond by sorting itself into color piles or walking itself to the washer. Children have now climbed into bed, tossed pillows askew, and knocked folded clothes on the floor.
Straighten nightstand (30 seconds): Sorry, it took me 30 seconds just to collect all of last night’s snot rags from these blasted cedar allergies.
Living Room
Tidy the sofa (2 minutes): Straighten cushions and pillows, fold throws, watch as three children run in and one by one throw themselves over the back of the couch. Straighten cushions and pillows, fold throws, watch as three children run in and one by one throw themselves over the back of the couch. Straighten cushions and pillows, fold throws, watch as three children run in and one by one throw themselves over the back of the couch.
Pick up crumbs with a handheld vacuum (1 minute): Um, I actually don’t have a handheld number. Besides, my husband loves to vacuum. I’ll save that job for him and the crumbs for the dog. I will, however, pretend I didn’t see that shriveled up grape under the couch. Ew.
Clear major clutter (5 minutes): This is fancy talk for “get rid of the children,” right? Come on. You know it takes me at least 10 minutes to get shoes and socks on just one of them.
Oh hell, why bother? It’s almost 5 pm and time to go mess up my kitchen again. But tomorrow? I’m gonna own that list!
So I wonder…
:: Do you too feel like you are fighting a losing battle with the housework?
:: Is there any point in getting anxious about it?
:: Are you jealous that my husband loves to vacuum? (because that part wasn’t a joke–he does.)
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About The Writer
Leigh Ann Torres is a writer, artist, wife, mother, cook, maid, bookkeeper…all around genie in a bottle, except you only get one wish, and it has to be reasonable. She lives with her family in Austin, TX, where she writes about the good, the bad, and the ridiculous of life with twins plus one at Genie in a Blog. You can also follow her at @latorres or on the Genie in a Blog Facebook page.
Lapsed homemaker. Looking to hire a full-time housekeeper who will work for the sheer joy of a job well done and free coffee. Interested parties, DM please. 
Oh girl, I’ve been saying I’m going to clean since Sunday. I have 1 hour and 45 minutes to get everything done today. Starting now. Think I’ll do it? I wouldn’t put too much money on it.
I couldn’t even get dressed and ready to go in an hour and 45 minutes with these guys around. Good luck!
oh, I hate anytihng that gives a time limit. You’re spending the 30 minutes doing that, but it takes hours of cleaning to reach that point, plus hours to maintain. They are all liars! This was too funny, thank you!
I think it’s safe to say that a) they don’t have kids around, and b) you’re right — they’re lying!
Oh my GOODNESS, Leigh Ann! That was laugh out loud funny, mostly because it is so true for so many of us! Who writes those stupid things anyway?! Obviously somebody who has a cleaning service that left just minutes before the inspiration to write a “Clean Your House in 30 Minutes” article hit. Thanks for the laughs!
Right? Or someone who has 30 minutes to begin with. It takes me 30 minutes to psych myself up to clean.
I’ll do your kitchen if you clean my house. Deal?
Good idea. Wait…if my kitchen remodel’s going to turn out anything like this checklist, then I’m gonna have to go with no on that. 🙂
I went upstairs this morning to go take a shower and then I ended up in The Girls room frantically cleaning, throwing away “stuff” and before I knew it 45 minutes had passed and her room was spotless. I have not felt that fulfilled in years. Ha~!
The kids’ rooms are so easy! I clean them all the time! Meanwhile, my own room is uh…yeah.
I started picking the house up yesterday and ended up deep cleaning for 4 hours. Felt so good, but I am surrounded by boys so it won’t make it to the weekend like this 🙁
Okay 1) How on Earth did you find 4 hours to deep clean??? and 2) You greatly underestimate my girls. We are dirt digging, mud slinging, cars playing hooligans.
30 minutes to do all that?!?! They’re assuming that your house is some what clean to begin with, right? Because I’m pretty sure that it would take me a lot longer than 30 minutes!
And yes, it is a losing battle.
Me too, obviously! Yeah, I think some level of cleanliness is expected. Not too realistic for me.
OK, LA, that was the best one yet. Hilarious!
Thanks for stopping by, Lori!
OH dude!I’m still at the dishwasher. Was I unloading or loading? I can’t remember. The coffee is sooo good! DON’T TOUCH KNIVES! WE DON’T PLAY IN THE DISHWASHER! No, no kitty food!
What was I doing?
I love that you have the same kind of cleaning frenzy going on at your house!!
Also?
Brian loves to vaccuum too!!
Awesome!
What is it with men and vacuuming? I hate it, and if I do have to do it, I half ass it all the way. He like moves the furniture and stuff.
Missy, thank you so much for having me today! It’s been a blast!
It’s absolutely my honor to feature you! Thanks for kicking off the guest post series. I will forever more think of you when I find myself standing in one spot, wondering what I’m supposed to be doing. So funny. That’s the part of housework at which I’m also very good.
Hahahahahaha. Sooooo glad I am not the only one losing the “clean house” battle.
:: Do you too feel like you are fighting a losing battle with the housework? – YES. 😛
:: Is there any point in getting anxious about it? – NO, but I still do. 😛
:: Are you jealous that my husband loves to vacuum? (because that part wasn’t a joke–he does.) – YES. But mine helps a lot more than most guys. 🙂
Hooray for hubbies who help out! I honestly think husbands get a bad rap. Most of the ones i know are pretty stellar.
I’m so glad I tweeted this twice. LMAO at butt butler. This is fabulous. I go through phases where I try to keep it clean and then I go through phases where I think, “why bother?” I like the second one better.
I like that one too, Martha. Why fight it?
I have a post scheduled on Saturday about the same thing.
Seriously. I can’t win.
I surrender.
I surrender to the floating bales of fog hair, and finger prints on glass, and wishing upon a star that my husband would stop eating his cereal in the computer room…and leaving his bowl in there.
OMG! My husband helps out a ton, but when it comes to cleaning up after himself, he’s still a bachelor. I was not kidding when I said that the kids take their dishes to the sink and he leaves his sitting on the table or island. And his desk? Ugh!
LOL!
You know what you need – a house on the market.
The cleaning.never.ends!
Oh, my friend had her house on the market when our twins were only about 18 months old. I don’t know if I could hang with that frequency of cleaning!
I’ve recently come to realize that I will never, EVER win this battle. At least I won’t win until the kids move out. 😉
I know, you kinda have to give in a little, don’t you?
Sometime before 11, I started a 30-minute timer just for shoving trash into a trash bag in one area of the house. I think I took a 3-minute vacuuming break before it went off, but that was it, and all I got was 1 little garbage bag of itty-bitty pieces of paper. 😛
Then I got out the carpet cleaner and cleaned just 1 hallway and part of 1 other room. I still need to bring the carpet cleaner downstairs to put it where it belongs.
(If my husband had been home, he would have been happy to help with the bit of vacuuming. He does more vacuuming than I do, doesn’t mind it as much as I do, and in fact did the research for the vacuum cleaner that died after more than 10 years of use, and its recent replacement. He didn’t research his smartphone as thoroughly as he researched that vacuum cleaner!)
My mom arrives tomorrow. Her room will be tidy, and the bathroom cleaner than it is now, but the rest of the house is just going to be at the same (or at least similar) level of chaos that it is now, unless I can get the kid who shreds all the paper to help pick up some of it and put it into a trash bag. (His attention span for that is approximately 15 minutes, but we can make a good dent in the mess in that amount of time.) Oh, and my wonderful husband will probably vacuum the carpet in that room before she arrives. 🙂
(He doesn’t get his cookware to the sink a lot of the time. I think he’s been better about it in the last month, but it was awful for awhile before then.)
I’ve learned to settle for “good enough” and know that my fam won’t pick apart my house. 🙂
OMG…that is hilarious!! You did a great job Leigh Ann. I don’t understand how that is all possible in 30 minutes either, even though they have it broken down minute by minute, but it seems your house has to already be spotless and that is just a daily tidy up list and some things to ensure that pottys don’t get too nasty before the weekly bleaching comes along. But I will definitely have to try working some of those things into my schedule. 🙂
Yeah, I think that’s the idea….now if only I could get my house spotless so I can keep up. But let’s face it, I won’t keep up. 🙂
My favorite part is when you stand for 60 seconds trying to remember what you were doing in the first place.
And during that time you could have cleaned the toilet like four times, right? (Supposedly.)
But yeah. The post-potty bananas will get you every time.
Sinister is what they are.
Believe.
LOL! I think the standing there for 60 seconds trying to remember what I was doing happens several times a day. Pesky children. 😉
I love this! If I tired to do all this in 30 minutes, I would have a stroke!
My husband loves to organize so that helps me in the clutter department. I have a great rule for cleaning. Every Friday I set the oven timer for 90 minutes. I clean the most importnant areas to me-floors, bathrooms, kitchen first and then tacle whatever I have left in my 90 minute window. This keeps my house clean enough and it keeps the most important things to me clean. And now instead of trying to clean a little everyday which keeps nothing clean in the long run, I spend 90 mins a week cleaning. Much easier to commit to.
Good plan! You’re lucky. My husband is a stacker and a mover. He stacks things and moves them elsewhere. It looks clean, but guess what! You now have a nice pile of crap to sort through. My problem is that I try to organize while I clean. Takes forever.
That was good stuff. I cannot keep up with housework. At. All. Bane of my existence.
Thanks, Missy! It’s mine too. Sometimes I know I can’t stress over it, but once in a while it’s just ALL TOO MUCH!!!!!
I finally figured out the secret… I spent a few months letting the floors go dirty longer than my neat freak hubby would like, complaining about how I’m so tall that it hurts my back to spend two hours stooped over sweeping and mopping (we have nothing but tile in most of the house.) Then I found a cleaning lady for a great price. Now my floors are clean each week, my laundry is folded and put away, and sink and counters are clean!! Although, yesterday was the first day, and after she left, I spent altogether a few hours on and off standing around wondering what I should be doing… This clean crap messes with the functionality of my brain. Fortunately, the kids have fixed the problem today and the brain is back to work… :/
Hahaha! That’s funny. It’s true though. I don’t know what to do with myself when my hubby unexpectedly takes something off of my hands. 🙂
Love it! Can relate, only with one…but our one dog produces as much hair and mess as the rest of us combined, I think!?
Of course, housework is is a losing battle. 😉 As soon as you finish it, you have to start all over again. I think that’s one reason I hate it so much. If the counters stayed clean for a full day, I might be on board with decluttering them more than once a week. But as soon as I clear the counters of junk, it starts piling up again. I only get anxious about it if I know I am having guests. Otherwise, I do it when I have time.
This is hilariously honest. Love it! You speak the truth 🙂