Do you follow the rules? Always meet or exceed expectations? Try to make everyone else happy?
Are you sick of it?
Are you ready to rebel, but don’t want to cheat on your spouse or go into debt?
This infomercial is for you!
You need the Risk-Free Quarter-to-Midlife* Crisis! manual right now. Do not delay!
*We at Risk-Free Quarter-to-Midlife* Crisis! are now legally forbidden from suggesting how old you should be to have a crisis, or predicting how long you’re going to live. We legally support melting down on your own timetable.
If you buy our proven program, you’ll get over three pages of crisis-having tips like these:
- Relate every Bible Study discussion back to 50 Shades of Grey. “The suffering in Biblical times reminds me so much of Ana, how the bondage drew her closer to Christian, just like Paul’s blindness made him a believer. You know?”
- Feed the kids McDonald’s for lunch. You don’t need to cut up grapes anymore, sister. Kick back with that special sauce (and we’re not talking about Quarter Pounders), and enjoy a whine-free meal for once.
- Speaking of Quarter Pounders…
- Interview pool boys. Even if you don’t have a pool. Remember, this is a risk-free crisis, so go ahead and make the interview as creative as you like, but it must end there.
- Buy that bikini or skintight dress or outrageous lingerie or whatever it is that makes you feel hawt. But for the love of eyeballs everywhere, do not wear your purchase in public. Remember, we’re not out to hurt anyone here. The act of shopping at Forever 21 will be enough to make you feel like you’re walking on the wild side. You could wear your new getup while you interview the pool boys, though.
- Tell the PTA to stuff it. As in those packets of back-to-school info that you will not be stuffing this year. There are at least 100 eager kindergarten parents just dying to get involved. You have months worth of People magazines and reality TV to catch up on.
This is all great, you’re thinking. Sign me up for the Risk-Free Quarter-to-Midlife* Crisis! manual right now!
You’re one smart woman. Caring a little less and looking at pool boys a little more is awesome.
But you may be wondering just how long this crisis business lasts. Stuffing packets and cutting grapes? Boring as hell, but you really do care about your family and their education. Just as we at Risk-Free Quarter-to-Midlife* Crisis! cannot dictate when your crisis happens, we also cannot control how long your crisis lasts.
Here are a couple testimonials that might help you decide to take the plunge, and just how long to stay submerged:
My kids were at camp and my husband had a business trip, so I scheduled my crisis for a 4-day period during the third week of June last year. Unfortunately, the PTA was on hiatus during that time, and all the pool boys were already gainfully employed. But since my kids were gone, I ate McDonald’s and tried on my 14-year-old’s dresses. By day four I was pretty bloated and lonely, but the first three days were rejuvenating. -Babs, age 49
Last fall when the holiday madness was picking up and the kids each had 27 homework assignments due before the Thanksgiving break, I kind of lost it. That’s when I saw the Risk-Free Quarter-to-Midlife* Crisis! infomercial. I ordered it immediately! The lines at Forever 21 were a lot longer than the lines at Coldwater Creek – you know, holiday rush – so I hit the Creek instead. I did buy a blouse in a smaller-than-usual size, though, and the pull of the buttons was a real rush. I had to end my crisis after one day, because my annual interfaith, multi-denominational holiday cards had to get done if I wanted them to arrive on December 1. Which of course I did. But that one day was a real kick, and I kept the manual in case I need to have a crisis again next year! – Melinda, age 37
You deserve a first-class crisis! Call 1-800-GIV-A-CRP now and we’ll throw in a second Risk-Free Quarter-to-Midlife* Crisis! manual for one of your book club friends!
(Photo credit: Nina Matthews Photography)
Lapsed homemaker. Looking to hire a full-time housekeeper who will work for the sheer joy of a job well done and free coffee. Interested parties, DM please. 
I may never stop laughing.
The testimonials? I die!
Thank you! I loved writing the testimonials… might have to figure out how to make a career out of writing fake sales-y quotes.
Just one question… is there a support line too? I may need it soon considering it’s summer break.
I like it. I would call that hotline daily.
OMG I am dying! “For the love of eyeballs everywhere…” Classic. This quarter to midlife crisis kit is an excellent idea.
Don’t you think it would make a killing? What woman hasn’t considered a meltdown now and then?
Thank you, Missy. I needed a good laugh today.
So glad I gave you a laugh!
I’m tempted to open a clothing store and call it Forever 43: Lowered Expectations…
It’s catchy, right? And I could put rhinestones on the ‘i’.
Let me know if you want in.
I’m in. Especially if the blinged out “Lowered Expectations” is stitched across the rear pockets of Forever 43 jeans (that will have plenty of added stretch, yes?).
Hilarious! I laughed so hard that I strained the buttons on my blouse from The Creek.
Ha. From now on we can go to Julie’s store, Forever 43.
It all makes perfect sense now! I’m not a bad parent. I’m just having a mid-life crisis. I’m going to have to explain it to the woman at the McDonald’s drive thru window that seems to be tired of seeing me.
I think I should sell disguises with my crisis kit, so we can go through McD’s every day and they won’t recognize us.
(happy little giggles)
As I very seldom have the kids at lunchtime, and, when I do have the kids for lunch time, I have a very unstructured schedule, I never take the kids to McDonalds, though I know there are times that it’s an absolute necessity for others. I actually think my kids hate me for, you know, making their lunches.
And, dear god, does parenthood make you gain an appreciation for the special sauce.
Hooray for the special sauce.
I know, I know. Thanks for that. I’m in LA for work and this hotel has a fancy rooftop bar with a pool and a fire place, but I can’t read the menu because it is too dark. It is pretty fun to pull out reading glasses in a cool rooftop LA bar.
Too funny.
The other day I did that thing where have to hold something at arm’s length to read it. Aaaagh.
LOL. Very creative, Missy. If you publish your interviews with your pool boys, you could write your own 50 Shades of Chlorine or something.
Here at the bookstore, everything relates to 50 Shades of Gray. It’s been very good for business.
There is the upside to 50 Shades – it’s good for the book business. And I like that idea of writing the pool boy interviews.
That is some funny shizzat! Thanks for carrying forth the humor torch.
Thank you!
I’ll take my crisis with a side of ranch please. Giddyup!