I’m an hour and a half from home, and I’m not thinking kind thoughts about the people sitting around me. They breathe funny. I nearly hate them. I don’t know them, but I am certain they are wretched souls.
This happens to me when I leave. It happened at the end of summer camp when I was young. On the last day of school. The minute I gave two weeks’ notice.
When it’s time to go, it. is. time. to. go.
This is my coping mechanism, and it’s been part of me for as long as I can remember. Rather than crying and feeling wistful, I get ugly.
I retreat physically when I can, but always – always – emotionally. To remain present and say good-bye is a rawness I find uncomfortable, unbearable even.
I hide from it.
I down play things.
I make light.
I say, See you soon! Take care! I’ll email! And tweet! Safe travels!
And I say, Hope the kids aren’t too crazy when you get home! Hope the laundry doesn’t swallow you whole!
Platitudes.
The words I need to say are clamoring. I feel them in the back of my throat and in the pit of my stomach. And I shove them, forcefully, back into the depths. What I want to say…
Knowing you is a privilege.
I pray I get to see you again someday.
I am honored that I had this time to sit with you, to listen to you. To hear you.
You’re funny, and you’re wise.
I wish you lived nearby so we could have coffee (Or wine. Yes, I think that’s it. We would have wine.) and watch our children play together.
I recently celebrated birthday number 37. Nearly four decades of living inside my walls is enough. I would love to just blast ’em down, like those around Jericho, by cranking up the tunes and yelling, “You cannot keep me in here!”
It probably won’t happen quite like that. I will try to be open to the possibilities, but if nothing else, I’m a realistic girl.
The reality is that my walls would make Tommy Silva proud. They are solid, with deep foundations, high R-value insulation. There will be some chiseling involved. Some sledge-hammering. And some time.
It’s not surprising that one of my favorite songs is Paul Simon’s “Something So Right.” Do you know it?
They’ve got a wall in China
It’s a thousand miles long
To keep out the foreigners
They made it strong
I’ve got a wall around me
You can’t even see
It took a little time
To get next to me
It could take a little time, but eventually I will be a free woman. Free to be red-faced and blotchy from crying my eyes out at our next good-bye.
I had the great pleasure of hearing Brene Brown speak last week at Blissdom. She inspired me to live wholeheartedly, and to explore what that means for my writing and for my life. I’m only beginning to process all that she said.
As I made my way home from Nashville, I became acutely aware that, once again, I’d retreated behind my wall. My old friend. My Great Wall of Coping. I thought about all the times I’ve done this before, all the times I’ve hugged someone I love and haven’t said what’s on my mind. Let’s just be honest here: if I’ve said good-bye to you, whether it was until tomorrow or until next year or will I ever see you again?, the wall was up.
This post is the result of beginning to apply what I learned during my time in Nashville. Perhaps there will be more posts to come on my attempts at wholehearted living. Or perhaps it will be more subtle than that. I’m not sure yet, but you’ll be the first to know when I figure it out.
I can – wholeheartedly – recommend that you read Ms. Brown’s books, listen to one of her talks, and hear what she has to say. It may rock you to your core, or it may quietly stir something that was already lurking near the surface. Whatever your take-away, I believe it will be one of worth.
Lapsed homemaker. Looking to hire a full-time housekeeper who will work for the sheer joy of a job well done and free coffee. Interested parties, DM please. 
Beautiful.It is in choosing to be courageous, asking the courageous questions and expectations of ourselves that I believe we truly bust our own walls down. So glad you shared this!
I love when conferences are much more than just what you see on the surface – something is ignited in YOU and THAT is the real take away.
Wish I could have been there – hoping to meet you at some point mama!
@Theta Mom,
Heather, I think that’s exactly it! I was surprised how hard writing a recap post was, because it is so individual and it is something attendees need to be open to and ready for. It is such an incredible, all-consuming experience, and you need to be ready to act on that inspiration.
I hope that we do get together more often! And it was great to meet you at Blissdom!
YES!!! I can’t wait to see how your blog will be different. Tear down those walls girl!
Brene was so fabulous.
And it was nice to meet you! I was way out of my comfort zone and had to force myself to talk to lots of people when what I wanted to do a lot of the time was to go find a nice quiet corner and just sit and watch.
Oh, Missy!
I’m so glad you came, for one. I am so happy to have met you IRL! Second, I had no idea you put up walls, but I’m thrilled that Blissdom and Brene have inspired you to take them down, chip by chip.
On a different note…after remodeling our entire house in NH, I can totally appreciate your Tommy Silva reference. 🙂
I have those walls. Good luck bringing them down.
Glad you had a great time. I’m sure 2011 will bring great things for you!
I’m with you… I’d be in the corner watching all the people.
I may have to check out the links you have! Thanks for sharing!
I never expected my recap post to be so difficult to write. I still don’t feel like I did the awesomeness I experienced justice with what I put in my post.
I am so glad I met you. You were one of the highlights of the entire week. Please keep those walls down. We would totally share wine if you lived closer. Wanna move?
I can so relate. I can’t say that my coping mechanism is a wall, but I retreat. Which I did quite a bit at Blissdom, and it makes me sad now as I see some of the things I missed. But you are so right, Brene was awesome. Her words can move you to the core. So while you are tearing down your wall, I will be working to come out of hiding.
I don’t think we got the chance to meet this week!
Bernice
It was so nice meeting you this weekend, and I thought you were absolutely wonderful! I would never know there was a wall. Maybe because I’m peeking from behind my own. I don’t let “me” out when I first meet people. I tend to be very quiet and reserved until I know them well, so your “wall”…that I understand.
Here’s to breaking them down! Both of us!
Wonderful post! It sounds like you learned a lot from the conference.
There is so much to write about, so much to think about, so many great things that came from Blissdom. I am far from an introvert, but the intimidation, the nervousness, the insecurities come flowing out in such a dynamic, high-energy situation for sure. I loved meeting you and can’t wait to see so much more- tear down those walls girl!
Blissdom sounds like it was quite the experience! I’m jealous. We all have walls of some sort. Good for you for attempting to tackle them.
I am going to buy you a trumpet
Good luck with the sledgehammer! You will be glad you put it to good use!
xoxox
Oh, this is perfect. I totally get this, I do. It’s easier for me to be snarky or witty (OK, I’m not really witty) than to speak from the heart. And I envy those who can, who just say how they feel. I applaud you for trying to get past your walls, because it’s damn hard!
Your time sounded like just what you needed.
What an experience.
I’m jealous.
But excited to see what changes this will bring for you.
What a powerful realization! I found Brene’s talk to be very moving and inspirational too. I think we all have walls to some extent and the trick is to recognize it and then figure out how to overcome it. I’m sure that you will! It was so nice to meet you, even though it was brief.
Mr. Gorbajdjdwjs whatever that guys name was…tear down that wall 😉 you sound so much like my girlfriend…who is like a sister to me…but those walls? So thick and confining to people who don’t know her. And behind that wall is a very beautiful soul 😉 Baby steps 😉
So jealous you got to go to the conference
I am inspired by your inspiration! I have walls of self-consciousness and a true discomfort in showing emotion. I hide behind my blog to get those feelings out. I’m going to keep an eye on you… as you tear down those walls, I promise to try to do the same here!
Even though we only recently “met” in this blogging world, I am truly honored to know you and read your writing.
Maybe one day we’ll meet in person, and I’ll try my hardest to tell you that to your face.
We all have walls…some just bigger, wider, thicker than others. I have some pretty strong walls…they get thicker and thicker with each tough situation. It’s how I cope, too. And, I have to tell you, I was starting to squirm at the thought of breaking down those walls. Good luck to you! Thanx for sharing!!
Missy this post touched me like no other post you have written. I love the heart you put into it. I think I find myself doing the same thing. I rush the inevitable because I am too stuck in myself to just say what I am feeling.
I’m proud of you for writing this, took some guts girl.
How wonderful to have taken such a personal message from the conference. It sounded like an amazing experience.
And I somewhat understand. I either hide when things get tough or I put on a mask to keep others to see how I am really feeling.
Me too. Yes. YES. I so get this post.
And I wish you lived closer so we could drink wine and watch our kids play together.
Brene was kind of tectonics-shifting, wasn’t she?
I’m still feeling it.
It was awesome to meet you.
Brene was amazing and SO ARE YOU! What an wonderful, heartfelt post my friend. Yes, you are my friend! 🙂 And I’m so happy to know you. Glad we got to hang out at the conference and I really hope to see you when I’m in town. xoxo
Missy: Sounds like you had a great experience. It’s amazing to learn to embrace your own authenticity.
I’m going to head to Brene’s site to see what I can learn.
It was such a pleasure to meet you at Blissdom!
I was also wowed by Brene Brown’s keynote. So very much to think about.
I loved this, because I’ve got the big thick fireproof walls, too. I sneak out instead of saying goodbye. How’s that? And I don’t like that about me.
I will look into her books. I’m glad you had a fabulous time.
I’ve got to read Ms Brown, I hear so much about her. I know I’d love her.
How are you, dear???