A few birthdays ago. I should probably stretch and warm up before blowing out candles this year.
My birthday is this week. {I’ll pause while you whoop it up in my honor.}
I’m closing in on 40, and as of this week have only two more years to be a 30-something. I know some of my readers are thinking so young! and others are thinking banana peel, grave!
I’ll tell you what I’m thinking: aging is no joke.
I read magazines. I’ve seen the warnings and the tips. I’ve seen an article a month for the last two decades about the aging process.
How to Turn Your Supermarket Into A Time Machine: Foods That Stop Aging in Its Tracks!
Your Boobs Are Old: Medical Tests You Must Have in Your 40s!
Straight From Hogwarts, We Have Magical Face Creams: Caring for Your Older Skin!
How to Make the Best of Your Coldwater Creek Credit Card Because You Can Barely Pull Off Banana Republic Or Gap and Don’t Even Think About H&M or Forever 21!
Over the years, reading these headlines led to a suspicion that our bodies change around the time we cross the threshold from 35-ish to old. Lately, my suspicions have been confirmed.
I expect things like deteriorating vision, slower metabolism, and an inability to work most technical devices. I did not expect daily life to become so hazardous just yet. I thought I had 30-40 more years before removing all the rugs to create a completely even walking surface.
So much for that. I offer you my latest list of aches and pains, and how I acquired them.
Injury: Sore shoulder.
Cause: Taking off a sports bra.
Injury: Strained gluteus maximus muscle.
Cause: Uh, no idea. Sitting, maybe. Or squating down to pick up one of my orthotic shoe inserts?
Injury: Achy, popping elbow.
Cause: Sleeping.
Injury: Twisted knee.
Cause: Putting on tights.
Injury: Stiff hip joints.
Cause: Sitting criss-cross apple sauce at the Little Gym.
Injury: Pinched nerve in my neck.
Cause: Sneezing.
I wonder…
:: I frequently forget that I’m not in my 20s, but there are days when my body won’t let me forget. Do you ever feel surprised by changes in your physical abilities (we’re not even going there with brain power… that’s a whole different post. What was I saying? Oh, yeah, I wonder…)?
Lapsed homemaker. Looking to hire a full-time housekeeper who will work for the sheer joy of a job well done and free coffee. Interested parties, DM please. 
I have to give up Forever 21? ack ….
On the upside, deteriorating vision works in your favor if unable to locate magic face potions!
You look like you’re in your 20s, so you are still welcome at Forever 21!
Once I hit 30, I starting only celebrating the anniversary of my 29th birthday.
I’ve noticed a few changes – like my second pregnancy was more difficult than the first one.
And my knees creak. Yuck.
Oh, the creaking! My ankles make Snap, Crackle and Pop jealous.
FYI, Criss-cross apple sauce does it every time! EVERY TIME. (As does sneazing, sports bras, sleeping… and… can you tell this has been on my mind a lot lately too?)
Do you do the post-criss-cross walk? It takes me a few steps to be fully upright again. So embarrassing!
Just wait. For your 50th birthday, you get an invitation to join from the AARP. Now THAT was painful!
As someone who is already over the proverbial hill, I will say: it’s all true. The warranty runs out. Things begin to fail. You metabolism changes. Your skin sags. Your eyes squint. The end of the world.
Or maybe that’s me being overly dramatic again.
Truly, aging is a privilege not bestowed upon everyone. Enjoy!
Yeah, I twisted my knee bending over to pick up some laundry. It seems like every day I have some sort of ache or pain. Aging sucks, although this should be motivation for me to get back in shape — so my body will last longer.
At least I can say I have pulled a muscle having S.E.X. That’s hot not old, right? Right? Hello?
I’m whooping it up! I’m whooping it up! (For your birthday – not for all that aging stuff). You look great in that pic!
My favorite malady for sure is the popping elbow caused by….sleeping.
Hazardous behavior, indeed.
But the truth: At any age, you are hilarious, thoughtful and lovely. And for the record, you’re still awesomely young. At heart, mind and body.
(Is it time to WHOOP now? I just have to be careful because of the bursitis…And also no. At 43, my body hasn’t changed at all. ;-))
I once cut myself trimming my nose hair . . . so far, that’s been the most-embarrassing injury directly related to growing older (see, the older I get, the less hair grows on my head, but thanks to Newton’s Law of Conservation of Hair, it grows everywhere else on my body).
I don’t know if the fact that I’ve injured my shoulder taking off my shirt is better or worse than you doing the same, taking off as sports bra.
So in other words, I am fucked.
My back is clicking in at 90 years old.
I’ve already had more surgeries than my 83 year old grandpa had ever had.
Sigh.
Ps. I think the tech thing is totally par for the course. It’s inevitable 😉
I have been totally caught off guard by the aging thing. I thought it was supposed to happen in your….50s? 60s? Not getting white hairs in my 30s! So yes, I hear you on this one.