I am, what you call, a laid back mom. If my children are happy and getting what they want out of life, then I’m happy, too. You can find me, most weekends at the soccer field cheering for everybody, for every attempt no matter the outcome. I’m even cheering for the other team because darn’t, they’re working hard, too.

I expect—no—I demand good grades, but beyond that, my philosophy for them is to keep a foot in the world and to always be kind. In other words, my kids are required to join at least one activity or sport or whatever at school, keep up their grades and be kind to everyone who crosses their path. Each of my girls do their thing, some more vested than others in their choices, but each of them are all healthy, happy and thriving.

So far, it’s worked. One in college, still on full scholarship going into her senior year even with the partying and the sorority life. One in high school, officer of just about everything, driven to be queen of the world and I have no doubt that beautiful girl will do exactly that. And one in middle school, a kick-ass archery girl, soccer player, expert fisherwomen who always throws the fish back, mother to ducks, girl who begged for and received a mermaid tail, (yes, a mermaid tail) for her birthday, because she wants to feel like a sea princess in the swimming pool. Everyone doing their own thing and what could be more beautiful than that?

Your words, as always darling girl, ring so true. Thanks again and again and again for your constant enlightenment.

I have never, not once, thought of the flip side of wanting my kids to do their best at all times. I went into my daughter’s room this morning and was irritated at how she’s let it become a disaster area. Yet, here I sit, on the internet with laundry piles everywhere.

I also love that you can cause this much conversation among women, and even with differing opinions it does not become ugly.

Thanks for the food for thought : )

But given the fact that I was unable to attain any of these things myself, I guess I’ll settle for happy. And kind and respectful. And smart. And love God. And Olympic-bound athletes. And Ivy-League bound grads. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalt!

Sorry. Got carried away again. If they can survive until adulthood I will be content.

Galit,

That’s exactly it – and I’m glad you added this point:

“I think we all have our things that we don’t give on (our priorities, I suppose) and things that we’re okay with letting go. They might not be the same, but I think that we all have them.”

Yes. Priorities. They are different for everyone and this fact is okay, I think. (I hope!)

XO

Christine,

Oh, how I get the “wracked with guilt” thing! In fact, I think this post was partly my selfish attempt to work through some of that for myself…

It’s hard enough facing our own deficiencies and then on top of it all we have to worry about what we’re doing to our kids?

Yep. Tough balancing act, indeed.
And scary.

But worth the risk every single day.

Renee,

You know I love you and I love the honesty you share; I wanted to hear other sides to my argument, people admitting they push or encourage or always expect the BEST from their kids. But I wasn’t expecting “Do or not do. Only try.” (Outside of Star Wars, of course.)

I’m especially surprised since you are a teacher. Every year, each class, there can be only one BEST student – so according to your criteria (unless I misunderstand you)everyone else is a failure? I’m not sure I can support this.

Where is the incentive to try something perhaps slightly out of reach if there is no reward for making an attempt? I have run three marathons and four half-marathons knowing full-well I might not be able to finish them; that I would not be the fastest by (cough) a long shot.

But holy shit I felt good about myself for trying.

Also, if I gave the impression that my kids are holed up on a computer three hours a day then I must correct this. Jack and Karly take four honors classes apiece and spend time every single weekday at their karate studio training. They come home from school, do homework for hours, have dinner, go to the studio, then finish any work they haven’t completed when we return (in the 8-9:00 range, depending on the day).

They are not the best martial artists on their teams. They never will be. But DAMN I am proud of them. They do not always earn straight A’s but they are taking the most rigorous course-load available to them and DAMN I am proud of them.

The positive character-traits I listed, as I said, are non-negotiable – something I take for granted they will always display. I didn’t say they were the only things I expected from them. At all.

Anyway, I just wanted to clear that up in case my post left the impression that we’re living in a touchy-feely den of new-age laziness or something.

(I don’t think you think that. I hope!) And I still and always will love you, my dear friend.

Now Go.
Get your perfectionist on!

Okay. Here is the the place where we diverge. (It had to happen sometime. But I think we can get past this.)

I am an enormous perfectionist. (That said, I am typing without my glasses on, so please forgive any errors I might make.)

I view it as a given that my kid is going to be a good person. To NOT be a mensch, that is unacceptable. Our religious practice and The Good Old Golden Rule makes me stand by that sentiment. Plus, he has the soul of a 85-year old Jewish man in the body of a 12-year old boy; thus far, it’s been pretty smooth sailing.

Academics are easy for him. He works hard to get his solid grades, but he is a scholar: a geek. And he’s fine with all these labels.

BUT

I want him to want more. I want him to be a great a fencer. Not necessarily Olympic level (although that would be lovely…) Why? Because I think he will feel good about himself if he excels in other areas of his life besides academics. I want him to know what his body can do and feel his own strength. I want him to be more social, instead of holing up on the computer for hours. I want these things for him. And this is the place where I have to work hard to shut up.

Am I okay if he screws up once in a while? Of course! We even have a plan. I will bring his stuff to school 3 times during the year. Three. After that, he’s on his own. (He has only needed to call me once this year. He forgot his swim suit. And who wants to borrow a swim suit.)

So what am I saying, I agree with you. We want them to be good people — but at our house, that’s the given. We expect that of each other at the baseline. We also expect hard work. Because my husband works really hard as a doctor. And I work hard as a teacher. Why? So my kid can sit on his butt? No. He can work hard, too. It’s his job.

I guess I identified with Yoda when he said “Do or not do; there is no try.” I HATE when I hear people say, “Well, you tried your best.” I literally cringe. You either do it or you don’t. I don’t care how hard you tried. Seriously, did you do it? People are so fast to tell them “it’s okay; you tried your best.” Ugh! People, let your kids sit in that discomfort for one minute.

I have never uttered those words and I will never utter those words. I will hug my son when he is sad. And I will rub his head. I will be there to offer him comfort. But I will never say, “Well you did your best” when he has lost at something. Losing is losing. Failure should motivate people to want to improve.

PS: This may be a cultural difference. We Jewish mommas and papas can sometimes be a little pushy.

*rant over*