Comments on: Kids, Scheduling and Friendship: Recipe for Disaster?

By: Wonderfriend

Wonderfriend — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 03:08:59 +0000

Thanks so much to all of you wise women! Your comments and support made my day!

By: becca

becca — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 01:42:07 +0000

oh boy oh boy oh boy. I’m all pissed for you now. Here are my thoughts:
– If this is someone you feel is a good friend. One who is normally supportive and there for you and you want to continue with her as your friend, you MUST talk to her about how she hurt your feelings. What she said was totally insensitive and she should know that. You can tell her that it’s not easy for you to bring it up, but you care about her, blah blah.
– YES having kids has thrown a wrench in the friend department. I’m MUCH pickier about who I choose to have as friends. I don’t have time for a lot of the bullshit, caddiness, competitiveness that I used to deal with. Not worth it anymore. I want friends I can relate to and who can relate to me. Ones I can cry to, vent to AND laugh with about the craziness of motherhood.
– I find that these days I need less friends but MORE FROM each of my friends. They should be able to give to you what you want to give to them.

Good luck… I hope things get ironed out and know we’re all here for you regardless!
.-= becca´s last blog ..Shrouded in Layers =-.

By: liz

liz — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 22:51:51 +0000

That's really unfortunate. We are schedulers, too, and have done sleep training with both girls. I'm remember talking with my husband about how we want the second child to be more flexible and how we can't go for her how we did for the first. BUT, it isn't fair that she just get the shaft because she's baby #2, and we (husband, oldest and me) do as we please. .-= liz´s last blog ..Parenting Firsts: Summer Camp =-.

By: Kristen @ Motherese

Kristen @ Motherese — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 20:50:07 +0000

Oh my gosh, I had almost the exact same thing happen to me last week! My baby is on a definite two-nap a day schedule and his morning nap coincides with most of my toddler’s activities. I choose to keep us all home so that my baby can nap in his crib. (He’s past the stage of sleeping on the go.) Apparently this choice didn’t sit well with my friend who not so subtly implied that I was doing harm to my toddler by keeping him cooped up. And, like you, I just said “Uh-huh” and moved the conversation along, but here I am, still wounded.

So what should we do? In my case, I’m not sure that a direct confrontation would work a week after the fact. The only solution I’ve found is to try to be for her the type of friend I’d like her to be for me: non-judgmental when she does things that seem odd to me. Then again, I suppose I could always bring it up again and share with her how I’m feeling – not to accuse her of being unsupportive, but to, as SuziCate says, feel her out for any tips.

Giving and receiving parenting advice (and advice on how we handle ourselves vis a vis our kids) is such a treacherous road. Such an easy way to unintentionally wound or feel wounded.
.-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..Life After Yes, Chapters 12-22 =-.

By: Suzicate

Suzicate — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 15:18:35 +0000

You can absolutely be honest with your friend. If she is your friend she should respect your feelings. She may have said something in a way not at all that it was perceived. Your friend needs to know your priorities.She may be able to offer solutions that actually help if she knows your true feelings. .-= Suzicate´s last blog ..The Art of Forgiveness =-.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 05:58:32 +0000

Crud I wrote a big long comment and it is gone now! Where did it go?
Any how– I found you because you were the person before me on Happy SITS Saturday. I am so glad that I found your blog!
I love reading about other peoples friend and parenting lives that are just as complicated as my own.
The hard thing about parneting is that it is so important, and therefor we feel we must justify why we do the things we do. If others are doing it differently does that mean we are doing it wrong? In order to combat this we judge others for doing things differently and therefor defend our own stance.
How sad is that!
I wish that we could spend half as much time encouraging one another. Wouldn’t it have been nice if your friend would have said something like, “I miss seeing you as often as I used to. I know your busy working on baby sleeping, so could I come hang out with you at your house? I’ll bring us a coffee.”
Maybe the perfect response to a comment like hers would hae been just that…I miss seeing you too, but I love the routine of baby’s naps. Come hang out with me sometime.
~Sarah
http://tumbling-sanity.blogspot.com
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..I Gave Sadie Away =-.

By: Kirsten

Kirsten — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 02:28:44 +0000

wow – what a huge idea, and a toughie. Now, I’m the girl who posted about not Getting the Girl Manual (once upon a time) so take this with a grain of salt. But my gut feeling is that if it is a friend who is a confidant, that a) she didn’t mean to wound you and b) would be ok with you responding in honesty (and gentleness, of course!) to say that you are consciously choosing this season of chaos, and that you understand if that’s making some folks mad. Friendship, at its root, is all about forgiveness & forebearance. ESPECIALLY when it comes to having kids.