If the Bell Tolls for Me

Mark and I were talking about death the other day. Because we like to keep it light around here.

How we got to the topic is boring, so I’ll spare you. Once we were on the subject, though, I had some realizations that I thought you should hear. I may need you to back me up some day if I, well, you know… find myself at the great coffee shop in the sky.

Or maybe it’s a bar?

Ooo, I know. It’s a spa! Where they serve coffee and alcohol, but none of it stains your teeth or makes you bloated.

So. As I was saying. I realized that I have some strong feelings on what should happen around here if something [she whispers:] happens to me.

Mark and I frequently look at the world from different perspectives. This is no exception. His take? Hey, I’ll be dead, so you do whatever you want with me and my stuff.

That is not my take. Not at all.

I have some thoughts. A few requests. And just in case Mark is so grief stricken that he forgets my wishes, I thought I’d share them with everyone in the world. You guys can all make sure he tows the line.

The Day-to-Day
Mark must immediately obtain a housekeeper exactly like Alice, from The Brady Brunch. Preferably, he’ll begin the search for Alice before I’m even cold. I feel strongly that he and the boys continue to have clean clothes, an orderly home, and meals.

And the bonus: Since Alice will probably be way better at the household tasks than I am, this will be one less area in which they all have to mourn my loss.

Mark balked a bit, explaining that Alice is sure to be expensive. I pointed out that I will no longer be making twice-weekly pilgrimages to Target. He should be able to find some extra funds in that bucket.

The New Girlfriend
The new girlfriend is not to sleep in my bed. Or on any piece of furniture that once belonged to me. She is not to have any idea what my children eat for breakfast. Capiche?

Mark’s response to this request: Easy, we’ll just get a new house or move into her place, with all of her stuff.

Jeez. I solve your budget issues with Alice, and now you’re all fancy free, ready to move in with the new girlfriend?

I don’t think so, buddy.

The boys need to remain in this house, on our street, with all their friends from the ‘hood. So that means your new girlfriend will just have to wait.

[A note: the next two sentences, should you find yourself reading them out loud, need to carry a dripping with sarcasm tone, coupled with a touch of resentment.]

She’s so fantastic, after all, that I’m sure she’ll understand. It should not be any trouble for her to hang in there until the boys graduate from college. Oh, okay, high school.

And on this subject, I have some advice for my friends and family: If you do not want to be haunted, your story on the new girlfriend will go something like this… She’s nice and all, but she’s not near as nice, smart or pretty as Missy was.

Are we clear?

My Stuff
This is probably clear by now, but in case you haven’t caught on yet: I don’t really care what happens to any of it, as long as Miss Young Perky Boobs Who Isn’t As Nice, Smart or Pretty as Missy (Even With Those Young, Perky Boobs) doesn’t touch it, hold it, wear it, sit on it, sleep on it, or even breath in its general direction.

I wonder…

:: Do you ever have inane conversations with your spouse, only to realize that there’s a kernel of truth in what you’re saying?

:: Have you told your loved ones what you want if the unthinkable happens? Sadly, we’ve been smacked with the brevity and unpredictability of life several times, so we have talked about it. Not a fun conversation, but necessary, I think. What do you think?


  1. Quite necessary, but not at all fun. Yes, we’ve had these conversations and neither one of us enjoy it one bit.

    I’ve made the hubs agree to be celibate and mourn me until the kids graduate from high school. I find that quite reasonable and am certain I will do the same.

    We are so well insured that he is clearly worth more dead than alive. This worries him occasionally but it allows me to sleep well at night.

  2. I’ve had this conversation in my head and have mentioned the D word to my husband, but I like your humorous approach on it. I am always so intense about it and I am glad that you presented this perspective.

  3. Oh no! Missy! Don’t be thinking or talking about being gone and Mark having a new girlfriend?!?!

  4. Been there, done that, even got a copy of the board game. I tell the boys to tell their wives that they intend to erect a shrine in the bedroom to their deceased wives.

    They are not to mention that after a respectable amount of time (say three days) they’ll go party like they are 25.

  5. No. I have insane conversations with my spouse and realize there’s a kernel of truth in them. Big difference.

  6. I’m a realist.

    My husband has to marry within 30 days of my demise, or the children will be going to school unfed, unclothed, and unbathed.

  7. Yup, told my husband that I would haunt his nuts if he ever scored a woman more hotter than me…to which he always responds “no one is hotter than you my dear”
    I’ve trained him well.

  8. You completely cracked me up with your reasoning that the loss of Target purchases will compensate for Alice! You are too funny, but your rules for his future are sound. Straight up sound.

  9. I agree that it’s important to talk about. D and I are always like “Eh, we’re in our twenties” about it, but even still, accidents happen (fun to hear about, I know), and if the unthinkable happened, I want at least a guardian for Ava named. Because God knows, none of our whack job family members are on the list!

  10. My husband and I picked out back ups for each other in case something should happen. Of course the back ups are now married to other people. This is a bit of a problem. I’m bummed too, the girl was a wonderful back up wife.


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